Oh the tween years are beginning…

Oh the world of tween emotions.  I think it’s only beginning.  My daughter is 11 and developing both physically and emotionally. Where has my baby gone or where is she going?  She is growing into a beautiful preteen but wow those emotions!  Tonight it was over the simple act of taking a shower. 

Showers at our house for her have always been a struggle. But combined with the tears and fatigue of the tween hormones I think we are in for a doozie.  I can’t say that I handled it as well as I could have – in fact I’m sure I made errors…plenty of them.  I trusted then I reminded.  I reminded and then I nagged.  I raised my voice and then I threatened punishment.  Then I took the TV time away for the rest of the night.  Her response to my “go take a shower” was a simple and sweet No.  AARRRGGG!  Again it was “No” and “I don’t care” to just about anything she was told to do and mentioned would be punishment.  At this point 30 minutes later, she had now lost her allowance.  $11 gone down the drain (pun intended) and she was still stating that she “didn’t care”.  Ugh.

I got her to start talking and this was very tough among the tears.  She is afraid of upsetting her Dad, afraid of disappointments, but mostly just teary with no explainable reason.  Picture your worst PMS days with the whole world closing in on you and this is what I imagine she is feeling. It breaks my heart in many pieces to see her like this but I don’t know what to do.  I talked with her for quite a while and thought we were to a breaking point.  Again, it’s time for a shower. 

Long story short, 1 hour and 15 minutes later, no shower and a final threat from both GG and I that if she can’t take regular showers she can’t play spring softball.  Her first practice was tonight so the fear in her eyes was evident.  Finally…something that she cared about.  She headed off to bed with the final words….she would need to have a shower before we leave tomorrow at 7:30 am or softball was done.  She would not be playing.  As tough as that is, it is a truth that I will follow through.  Heck…it may even make our lifes easier in more ways than one.

But I’m not so sure I can do this for the next 3-5 years.  But then again I don’t have a lot of choice do I?  Nope, I’m here for her for life.

Child’s Eye View

D9 today gave us an interesting child’s eye view of our home.  She was explaining to a friend how to get here.  She gave the address and then proceeded to describe our house so they could find it.  We listened as she described the landmarks….a chain basketball hoop, a green minivan and a tan car.  She didn’t mention the color of the house, the chain link fence or the obvious things.  The top of her list was the chain basketball hoop.  You see, the girls have mentioned that we need a new basketball hoop because it wasn’t like they were used to.  When we bought the house we inherited the basketball hoop.  Our two youngest both play basketball so this was a nice addition.  Who would have thought, however, how important that “chain” basketball hoop would become.

 Did the dad driving see the hoop as he cruised the street?  Probably not, but to D9 that was the easiest thing to spot.  All in a child’s eye….maybe we should try it sometime.

The Feelings of Morning

I have learned that mornings can really set the mood for the rest of the day.  Monday morning started out really poorly at our house and I didn’t help it much either.  You see, getting D11 up and out of bed is a real chore.  Probably one that I have created – no definitely one that I have created although I realize that every kid has a different personality and wake up style.  Her’s is the lazy, stay in bed until the very last minute, oh there is a cat I must pet first before I get dressed kind of way.  So Monday, I poked, I prodded, I asked nicely, I yelled, I rolled her over, I turned up her music, I did way to much to persuade her to get up and get ready.  She finally rolled out of bed around 7:30 with approx. 10 minutes to get ready so we could leave.  I finally told her that if she wasn’t ready to go by 7:40 she was riding the bus.  Of course she wasn’t ready.  I was furious.  I explained to her (not so nicely I admit) that now she would have to ride the bus (that comes between 7:50 and 8:00 am).  She ran around and finished getting ready while I was eating breakfast.  I mention to both girls that they better get heading out the door as the bus was going to be there.  D9 (who almost never misses the bus or the time) opens the door and hears the bus roaring down the street.  She yells that the bus is here and runs out the door to catch it.  D11 is still putting her shoe on and getting her backpack ready, and at the moment the bus arrived had just had her backpack spew all over the floor.  The bus arrived and left and D11 was left standing in the foyer.  Now I was really upset. Not only was she late for her time frame but now I was going to be late for work.  Ugh!  I gathered up my things for work, mumbling under my breath and told her to hurry up and get in the car.  She and I got in the car and off to school and work.  I lectured her most of the way and informed her that she definitely was riding the bus the next day. 

To top it all off, I have been attempting to train (this is basically what we are doing isn’t it?) the household to put all dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink.  I have been trying to keep the dishwasher always empty and accepting dirty dishes so no one has any excuses not to clean up after themselves.  Right before I left the house I walked over to put my dishes away and what should be sitting in the sink?  GG’s dishes from his morning cereal and coffee – double UGH!  Can’t a grown man put his own dishes away in the dishwasher?  Especially when we are the primary examples for the kids?  Ugh!  So I dutifully put them in the dishwasher and trudged on with my morning.

I got to work only 2 minutes late – prior to a few others in my area but was in a very crabby mood.  Everything I thought about, looked at or did was a bother, a trouble or an inconvenience.  GG called to see how the rest of the morning went and I grumbled to him.  The rest of the day slowly got better but wow was it tough.

On to Tuesday….D11 knows that she has to ride the bus, gets up late again but much earlier than the day before.  I did not prod and remind.  I sismply stated that she would need to be on the bus and get herself ready on time.  She did and she made the bus.  I got ready myself and then headed to work….on time.  My morning was nice, smooth and I felt so much better about everything.  Hmmmm….this is nice.

This morning I told each girl twice that it was time to wake up and if I was going to take them they would need to be ready by 7:40.  D9 was ready, D11 was not.  I had given them a 5 minute and then a 1 minute warning and at 7:42 stated that the bus would be here in 10 minutes.  D11 didn’t grumble, didn’t whine and was ready for the bus.  D9 decided to have me take her to school (we can leave later for her although the deadline time still applies) and that’s what we did – waving to D11 at the bus stop.

I look back and realize that I am an enabler.  I enabled D11 to get away with not getting up, not getting ready on time yet still getting a ride.  I have taught her that she can push my buttons and still win.  I am not good at being tough but I’m trying.  Why does it hurt our hearts so much to make our kids learn rules and consequences.  My parents didn’t – we had rules and we had consequences.  They weren’t really strict but they didn’t waver a lot either.  I want to teach my girls the same thing but wow I never realized the heartache that can go along with being tough.  Hmmm….I think Mom is learning a lesson along the way too. 

…and I love feeling good in the morning.

Easter Greetings!

Happy Easter to you from SmileyGirl! We’ll be spending Easter with GG’s family. Two sets of the Grandparents on my side are still down south for the winter so they will be missed. A few traditions will have to either have to wait or be celebrated next year – try explained to D9 (dear 9 year old daughter) that even though Easter Eggs hunts are the “best” at Grandma M’s it won’t be happening this year – thanks Grammy!). Yes my girlies are looking forward to the Easter Bunny and all the fun things he will bring. Easter is early this year – way early – almost caught me off guard. I’m off to the store tonight to get the eggs, the dye and all the fun stuff for Easter Sunday treats. We’ll be dying eggs tomorrow night as that’s the only night available for our family as my girls will be with their Dad this weekend. We will pick them up on Sunday morning and head out to our family brunch. Should be a fun time. What does your family do for the Easter holiday?

Step-parenting…a feat in itself

There’s two sides – one is the parenting of your stepchild.  In my case it’s a teenager (new to me) and a very good kid.  For the most part there aren’t too many problems but its still tough from a parenting perspective.  So many questions…am I treating her the same as I would my own…does she hate it when I tell her what to do…how do I ask her to do something without her resenting me…how do I instill my values upon her without making her feel as if her own aren’t good enough…and on and on. 

The other side is the parenting that happens from your new partner with your kids.  No matter what type of parent your new partner is it is very hard not to question them.  Did they do it like I would have…was that too tough…too gentle….why does he have to do it that way…I wouldn’t have done that…and on and on. 

Will either side ever become easier and more relaxed?  Will there be a magic point where it will be come smooth and feel natural?  It has gotten easier over time but I often wonder if it will ever feel complete and good.  I guess that’s not a really fair question since even natural parents struggle with their own.  I know I still do and I’m sure I always will. 

I grew up with a stepfather (my Dad passed away when I was a pre-teen) and I wonder now if this is the way he felt parenting us.  Was it as difficult then as it is for us now?  Did he have some of the same questions we have or because there wasn’t another father figure in our lives did he somehow adapt easier? These sound like questions I’ll have to ask him in the future.

Through and Child’s Eye and Update

We were out shoe shopping the other day with D9 and D11.  There was a buy one get one half off sale that was an obvious fit for their new shoe needs.  D11 found hers pretty quick settling on a black pair of vans with aqua on the sides.  The biggest challenge here was learning to lace them with the funky laces on the outside thing that’s so popular with the kids today. After a little work we had it down.

D9 attempts to find hers.  She’s right between a kids and an adult shoe so it isn’t quite and easy.  She’s our fashion queen too so its tough to find something fashionable yet practical at the same time.  Eventually GG started finding shoes in her size and making her try them on.  I began to think that it wasn’t going to go over well and we were going to never find something that would work when low and behold…the shoe that fit and she actually liked.  Except there were these “things” on it….the Skechers name with little decorative balls that hung from the top lace.  She insisted that those would have to come off and we assured her that they could.  Then I questioned why she would need them off.  “Well Mom they are way too noisy when you are playing Head’s Up 7-up!”  Of course, the ultimate reason for changing the dangles on the shoes she would be wearing…where was my head and what was I thinking.  Priorities in a 9 year old’s life….sometimes I wish ours could be as simple.

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UPDATE to yesterday’s stress:  GG and I talked last night as he could tell I was upset and wasn’t telling him everything.  I showed him my post and left him to read.  He feels as if he is not being trusted because of something that was in my past and that is unfair.  I agreed with him but told him that while I can see how foolish it is on a rational level it nonetheless is in my mind and bothering me emotionally.  We talked about it more and I have to say I feel better today.  I’m not as worried, I have more confidence and just getting it all out is helping.  I also journaled a bunch yesterday whenever I could in an attempt to figure out where my fears are.  I think that helped.

SmileyGirl stress

GG just got a new job.  He quit his old one about a year ago cuz it went to a shift that just didn’t work for our family and he wanted to go back to school.  He did finish his 2 year degree, sold some stuff on eBay, played Daddy and Step-Dad for the kids and experienced life.  He has worked or gone to school most of his life on his own and I don’t think he ever had the time or money to actually sit back and enjoy it.  I think he did it this time. He began writing which was/is his dream.  He wrote a bunch, nothing published yet, but I have faith it will be someday.

Funny thing is his working is really causing me stress.  But why?  I am not threatened by his success but rather hopeful for it.  I am okay with him being gone.  The kids are missing him but doing fairly well and I know they will adapt.  But I am angry, getting upset easily, sad, frustrated and overwhelmed with life.  Major change has been difficult for me in life but I have always been able to adapt – when it’s “my” change.  Is that the problem – it’s not my change but it’s his?  What is going on?  He had to work part of the weekend and while I knew I could handle it I was a mess a good part of the time.  We talked last night about it and he point blank asked me if I was worried about him running out on me.  I said No and then started to tear up.  What?  I’m afraid of this?  It can’t be (as I try and convince myself) cuz I don’t have anything to worry about.  But that little voice kept nagging in the back of my head.  You know that little one that won’t shutup sometimes when you most need it to.  Asking those stupid questions like where is his desk, what do the girls he’s working with look like, is he enjoying himself, will he find something more pleasing and try to stay away from home.  I actually can’t believe I am worried about this because I have never had reason to with him.  He cornered me and told me it was my history that made me worried.  I think he’s right but how can I make my worries go away.  How can I convince myself or change my fears and settle my life back down. I feel like the insecure school girl wondering if he likes me all over again and it sucks – majorly.

OK – pep talk time.  I am beautiful, successful, and a leader.  He loves me for me – not for what I look like.  He has never cheated (that I know) and has a big problem with those that do.  He told me that isn’t something he een considers nor is he even a looker. Is it my lack of experience with him in this situation or what?  Ugh!  I have to figure it out because my mind has been racing and I am wiped out emotionally. 

Anyone have any thoughts or any advice for me?

A little relationship background here….

Just to get you started….Married my high school sweetheart after 5 years, married for almost 14 years.  As most can I look back and see the mistakes we both made over the years.  In the end it was the cheating that broke the camels back.  We split one time when I began talking with a friend.  I called it “emotionally cheating” (talking, flirting, just heart to heart emotions – nothing physical here at all- not that that makes it any better I admit) – saw that I wasn’t being treated like I really should be and I began to assert myself.  Split for a few months, got counseling – both of us and got back together – appeared to be going good.  Year or so later, find out he’s cheating now – not just emotionally but physically.  He broke it off, we went to counseling.  Seemed to be on the right track.  Nope – found out again and again – when divorce finally went through found out it had been off and on for 2 1/2 years!  Couldn’t believe it.

I had a lot of image problems before and after that and spent about a year in counseling.  That helped so much and gave me some of my life and my confidence back. 

Summer of 2006 met and fell in love with GG (GreatGuy) – I truly believe I have found my soul mate.  He and I are so much alike yet different but carry that true soul connection.  Love one another unconditionally and each have learned a lot from our first marriages.  Not perfect of course but oh so wonderful.

Hello world!

Hello world!  This blog is by smiley girl who is smiling most of the time.  I have a family, a full time job – all of which I love.  For the most part I keep smiling – it’s only once in a while that it’s tough.  I’m looking at this blog as a place to share the good times… and the bad cuz we all know they are there.  Hope to talk to you soon!